Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Lazy Mama, Crazy Mama

"I'm just a lazy mama! I don't over-think it. I don't really plan anything. I just go with the flow and don't worry about it."

You mention this in response to almost everything I say about Baby Bee. About how we "do life."

I know you don't mean anything when you say it.
I know you probably don't even realize you are saying it. I know it's because you are coming from a place of privilege, a place of not "needing to know." In that sense, I am glad for you that you have not known this hardship (though I imagine you have other struggles, just like the rest of us).

When I hear someone proudly tout their parenting as "lazy" in contrast to my own efforts, I wonder what they are implying about my parenting. I wonder if the opposite of "lazy mama" is a "crazy mama" in your mind and if you think I've crossed the line. This isn't a case of "helicopter" vs. "free-range' or anything so trendy as that. I want to know that, even though our parenting approaches are different, you understand that putting this effort into supporting my child doesn't make me a crazy mama, and that I never had the opportunity to be a "lazy mama." 

It's not that I judge your philosophy. I wanted to do what you do.  To feed Baby Bee at the family table and let him self-regulate his food instead of structuring our meal around visual cues and verbal reminders to keep him calm. To take him to a restaurant without having to leave within moments of our food arriving.

high chair, bib, wait for food, use signs/words, wipe face, wash dishes
To just listen to my baby's cues for sleep and cuddle him close without the need for melatonin, swaddle, second swaddle, white noise and the infant swing--and find a way to do this all while nursing without actually touching his skin. Or even pat him back down to sleep when he wakes for a 3 hour scream-a-thon in the night instead of going through packs of flashcards in attempt to calm him down only to have it start all over again when he realizes one is missing.
A week's worth of batteries for the infant swing due to 25# toddler

To sporadically gather at the park for an afternoon play date without worry about whether the grass was just cut, if there will be other kids there and if they'll want to interact, and if I will have the emotional energy to survive the "fallout" that will inevitably come. 
"No, thank you. i don't feel like talking right now. Please give me some space"
I want all that too. I wish there were another way.

But right now, we don't have it.

I hope you can understand this and pause before those words come tumbling out next time.  I know I shouldn't care what you think either way. But I do. Because we are all in this together. And moreover, I need your support.

1 comment:

  1. I don't think the opposite of "lazy mama" is "crazy mama". I think it's more like "active mama". Personally, I'd rather be an active mama. It seems more honest. The lazy title sounds akin to someone who spends an hour on their hair just to make it look "effortless". Parenting is anything but effortless.


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